Happy

I was a nervous kid who became a nervous adult; you know this about me…or at least the nervous young-adult part. The first time I rode on a subway – with my family, seated next to my Mom – I developed a nervous blinking twitch that stayed for a couple of months and had me slamming my lids open & shut incessantly, frenetically. The first time I flew in a plane, I screamed “STOP THE PLANE!” as we banked and a bird’s eye view of the world was out the window to my right. I can conjure up the movie of my own death in my head, in a millisecond…and then I eulogize myself…repeatedly throughout my life I have done this, for many reasons, in many situations. I am currently working (really hard) at shifting the plot and outcome of these imaginary movies-from-hell, implementing a mental cut & paste that affords me a positive visual alternative. Sometimes I succeed at it. Yay!

For much of my life, especially in the past couple of years, since I have RESPONSIBLY sought medication for my anxiety disorder, I’ve been actively pursuing the things in my life that keep me from being a nervous wreck.

When my father used to randomly ask me “…but, are you HAPPY…?” I always said yes even though the answer in my head would have been more like "well, I'm a total WRECK, if you must know...but we won't worry our pretty heads over that..."; either way, I don’t believe his objective was so much about me or my being truly “happy” as much as it was his way of letting go of his own feelings of guilt about parenting, something that categorically made him more of a nervous wreck than he’d ever have wanted to admit; he could be easier on himself if his kids answered with a resounding “YES!!!” to the happiness question. I say this completely without accusation – I can’t imagine being a parent who isn’t aware of how hard it is to pull it all off adequately, let alone well…and with no guilt. Meanwhile, I have thought often about what really does make me happy and at this point – beyond the obvious, top of mind "blow-out-the-candles-and-make-a-wish" kind of happiness (GOOD HEALTH for all my loved ones, no hunger in the world, 3-more-wishes…etc.,) “happy”, for me, is living CALMLY, IN THE MOMENT, not nervous, not visualizing my own demise, not planning for what comes next (aka catastrophe), not being personally annoyed by some otherwise innocuous detail.

So what can I do – beyond meds - to achieve this? With the recent, specific worries of my being unemployed, as we reinvent chunks of our life, Scot and I are consciously looking for a collective CALM in this storm (if calm can be something you do “collectively”, in agreement, contributing to it to for the sake of the team). This is not hard for him but in all honesty he does need to prompt me in the reciting of my “let’s see…what am I happy about (not yet swallowed alive by...) today…?” list for the last few mornings…playing the “Glad Game” as Pollyanna and my family refer to it.

And what rises to the top of my “Happy list” this week? Why, Lazy Jane’s Café, of course – on Willy Street, on the east side of town. We’ve gone there after working out together several times recently and today I decided that I am happier there than anywhere right now. The “Lazy” ambience itself is unapologetically casual and welcoming. The decor of this place is eclectic, with flowery, over stuffed chairs and couches next to the most simple of children's wooden school-style tables and little chairs, “breezy” lighting as sunshine pours in from the many windows, baskets of sock monkeys and baby dolls beckon eager children who come in with their Moms, bookshelves with a mishmash of magazines and books for all ages make it feel like home. A fabulous staircase with purple walls and tons of glimmering gold knick-knacks lead to the loft-like upper level that winds around into nooks and crannies with railings that let you peek down to the lower level, from wherever you sit. Nothing matches but everything feels like it belongs. The look is somewhere between the bygone, charmingly sweet Eloise Wilkins illustrations (Golden Book series “We help Mommy”), and Betsey Johnson fashionista-edgy-ornate. When your food is ready, they BELLOW your name the way we yell upstairs for the kids to come down for supper at home (only MUCH LOUDER) so that you can fetch the meal yourself. An occasional customer will holler back with a reply like “What!” or “I’m COMING!!” For me it defines comfortable, low-key and familiar, with a hint of playful mockery. I am a huge fan of the joyfully bright hand-lettered chalk menu and the food is awesome. I manage to stay IN THE MOMENT while I’m there; I don’t think about being chased by tornadoes, surprised by coyotes, stung by killer bees or falling down and cracking my teeth but instead focus lazily on topping off my coffee with cream. And this makes me fabulously happy.

I’m glad your Mother’s Day was so kid-abundant! The definition of what that day should be…how perfect! Sounds like a HAPPY weekend for all, except perhaps the speeding ticket and the all-too-common communication barriers as you attempted to buy out Einstein’s Bagels…that, to your point, often have nothing to do with language of origin…another topic all together : )

Ruby